She believed then that at bottom she had a different morality. Of course the morality of civilised persons has always much in common; but our young woman had a sense in her of values gone wrong or, as they said at the shops, marked down. She considered, with the presumption of youth, that a morality differing from her own must be inferior to it; and this conviction was an aid to detecting an occasional flash of cruelty, an occasional lapse from candour, in the conversation of a person who had raised delicate kindness to an art and whose pride was too high for the narrow ways of deception. Her conception of human motives might, in certain lights, have been acquired at the court of some kingdom in decadence, and there were several in her list of which our heroine had not even heard. She had not heard of everything, that was very plain; and there were evidently things in the world of which it was not advantageous to hear. She had once or twice had a positive scare; since it so affected her to have to exclaim, of her friend, Heaven forgive her, she doesnt understand me! Absurd as it may seem this discovery operated as a shock, left her with a vague dismay in which there was even an element of foreboding. The dismay of course subsided, in the light of some sudden proof of Madame Merles remarkable intelligence; but it stood for a high-water-mark in the ebb and flow of confidence. Madame Merle had once declared her belief that when a friendship ceases to grow it immediately begins to declinethere being no point of equilibrium between liking more and liking less. A stationary affection, in other words, was impossibleit must move one way or the other. However that might be, the girl had in these days a thousand uses for her sense of the romantic, which was more active than it had ever been. I do not allude to the impulse it received as she gazed at the Pyramids in the course of an excursion from Cairo, or as she stood among the broken columns of the Acropolis and fixed her eyes upon the point designated to her as the Strait of Salamis; deep and memorable as these emotions had remained. She came back by the last of March from Egypt and Greece and made another stay in Rome. A few days after her arrival Gilbert Osmond descended from Florence and remained three weeks, during which the fact of her being with his old friend Madame Merle, in whose house she had gone to lodge, made it virtually inevitable that he should see her every day. When the last of April came she wrote to Mrs. Touchett that she should now rejoice to accept an invitation given long before, and went to pay a visit at Palazzo Crescentini, Madame Merle on this occasion remaining in Rome. She found her aunt alone; her cousin was still at Corfu. Ralph, however, was expected in Florence from day to day, and Isabel, who had not seen him for upwards of a year, was prepared to give him the most affectionate welcome.
CHAPTER XXXII
It was not of him, nevertheless, that she was thinking while she stood at the window near which we found her a while ago, and it was not of any of the matters I have rapidly sketched. She was not turned to the past, but to the immediate, impending hour. She had reason to expect a scene, and she was not fond of scenes. She was not asking herself what she should say to her visitor; this question had already been answered. What he would say to herthat was the interesting issue. It could be nothing in the least soothingshe had warrant for this, and the conviction doubtless showed in the cloud on her brow. For the rest, however, all clearness reigned in her; she had put away her mourning and she walked in no small shimmering splendour. She only, felt olderever so much, and as if she were worth more for it, like some curious piece in an antiquarys collection. She was not at any rate left indefinitely to her apprehensions, for a servant at last stood before her with a card on his tray. Let the gentleman come in, she said, and continued to gaze out of the window after the footman had retired. It was only when she had heard the door close behind the person who presently entered that she looked round.
Caspar Goodwood stood therestood and received a moment, from head to foot, the bright, dry gaze with which she rather withheld than offered a greeting. Whether his sense of maturity had kept pace with Isabels we shall perhaps presently ascertain; let me say meanwhile that to her critical glance he showed nothing of the injury of time. Straight, strong and hard, there was nothing in his appearance that spoke positively either of youth or of age; if he had neither innocence nor weakness, so he had no practical philosophy. His jaw showed the same voluntary cast as in earlier days; but a crisis like the present had in it of course something grim. He had the air of a man who had travelled hard; he said nothing at first, as if he had been out of breath. This gave Isabel time to make a reflexion: Poor fellow, what great things hes capable of, and what a pity he should waste so dreadfully his splendid force! What a pity too that one cant satisfy everybody! It gave her time to do more to say at the end of a minute: I cant tell you how I hoped you wouldnt come!
Ive no doubt of that. And he looked about him for a seat. Not only had he come, but he meant to settle.
You must be very tired, said Isabel, seating herself, and generously, as she thought, to give him his opportunity.
No, Im not at all tired. Did you ever know me to be tired?
Never; I wish I had! When did you arrive?
Last night, very late; in a kind of snail-train they call the express. These Italian trains go at about the rate of an American funeral.
Thats in keepingyou must have felt as if you were coming to bury me! And she forced a smile of encouragement to an easy view of their situation. She had reasoned the matter well out, making it perfectly clear that she broke no faith and falsified no contract; but for all this she was afraid of her visitor. She was ashamed of her fear; but she was devoutly thankful there was nothing else to be ashamed of. He looked at her with his stiff insistence, an insistence in which there was such a want of tact; especially when the dull dark beam in his eye rested on her as a physical weight.
No, I didnt feel that; I couldnt think of you as dead. I wish I could! he candidly declared.
I thank you immensely.
Id rather think of you as dead than as married to another man.
Thats very selfish of you! she returned with the ardour of a real conviction. If youre not happy yourself others have yet a right to be.
Very likely its selfish; but I dont in the least mind your saying so. I dont mind anything you can say nowI dont feel it. The cruellest things you could think of would be mere pin-pricks. After what youve done I shall never feel anythingI mean anything but that. That I shall feel all my life.
Mr. Goodwood made these detached assertions with dry deliberateness, in his hard, slow American tone, which flung no atmospheric colour over propositions intrinsically crude. The tone made Isabel angry rather than touched her; but her anger perhaps was fortunate, inasmuch as it gave her a further reason for controlling herself. It was under the pressure of this control that she became, after a little, irrelevant. When did you leave New York?
He threw up his head as if calculating. Seventeen days ago.
You must have travelled fast in spite of your slow trains.
I came as fast as I could. Id have come five days ago if I had been able.