Angelica’s self-identification - Krasnova Alla

Angelicas self-identification

Alla Krasnova

© Alla Krasnova, 2022

ISBN 978-5-0056-8326-7

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

1.

If you dig into your nose, you can find a lot of interesting things. But if you dig into your own memory, you can find a lot more interesting. Thats what Angelica did when she was left alone at home. There was absolutely nothing to do, so her only occupation was the art of picking at her memory. She did it very easily and therefore even a little carelessly: she sat down on the sofa, turned on the TV and then the most interesting thing happened, because everything that was shown on TV, even random, became a magnet for her, which pulled memories out of her. Her grandmother was the first to come to her memory, because they showed her a tigress. Then she switched the channel, and they showed her a teapot that was pouring boiling water into a cup with gusto and steam was coming. And she immediately remembered her ex. Yeah, she thought. «He remembers me and pisses with boiling water.» But then they showed a bread box, a simple bread box, and thats where it all started.

***

This breadbox reminded her of the house from deep childhood, where they lived as a family. And the fact that the breadbox was opening reminded her of a dark basement in which she liked to sit alone. She was embarrassed to admit it, but she really loved the feeling of fear, that feeling when goosebumps run over her skin. But one day something really terrible happened in this basement. And now it no longer seemed to Angelica that memory had blocked these memories forever, because now it was enough for her to see the bread box for them to come to life again. On this thought, Angelica turned off the TV and went for a little walk to refresh her head.

***

Angelica had been living with Artyom for several years, and it seemed to him that he knew everything about her, but not this. When Angelika returned home, Artem had already come home from work. Artem worked as a taxi driver, so at the end of the working day he was very tired. They didnt talk much in the evenings. That is why he did not pay attention to Angelicas taciturnity. It looked like everything was exactly the same as before. But it wasnt like that.

«Im going away for a few days,» Angelica said, thereby stunning Artyom, who had no such plans.

 Where to? Artyom asked.

«I need to be alone for a few days,» she said.  Ill be there soon.

This was an extremely atypical behavior of Angelica, because she always informed about her plans in advance. Therefore, the most unkind thoughts crept into Artyoms head.

 What happened? Artyom asked.

«Nothing happened,» Angelica said. «I just need to go away for a few days.

«Listen, you know we can talk about anything,» Artyom told her.

«Yes,» Angelica agreed with him.  But not now, not this time. Okay?

«Okay,» Artyom nodded.

He tried to stay calm, but he was actually worried as hell. It seemed to him that she just wanted to merge, to leave him, but she just couldnt say it directly. After all, surely something does not suit her. It seemed to him that if she left now, he would not see her again, so after a second of internal tossing, he stood near the door.

«Youre not leaving here until we talk,» Artyom told her, having opened the door for her with himself.

Angelica grinned. It was quite strange to see how he was afraid of losing her, because she used to think that she was more interested in this relationship than he was. «Step back,» Angelica said.  Im not up to a showdown right now. «All right,» Artyom nodded. «But at least tell me what happened.» Maybe I did something wrong? But you know I get very tired after work. If you want, lets get married,» he said hotly and waved his hand.  what? Angelica laughed, clearly not expecting such a turn of events.

Angelica did not want to get married and was not in awe of the wedding dress. And Artyom wasnt going to get married, everything suited them. But for some reason, this is the first thing that came to his mind to stop her.

«No, no,» Angelica said.  You dont need to get married. This stupid stamp in the passport has not yet saved anyone from disappointment and pain.

Artyom stamped his foot.

«I have a right to know,» he yelled.  Im not going to languish in ignorance for half my life, not knowing the reason for your departure.

He moved away from the door and pressed his back against the wall.

Angelica lowered her eyes and stared at the floor for a long time. There was a pause, her thoughts were confused in her head. It was hard for her to say it, but she said it anyway:

«Then just step back,» she said.  And let me go. If its over, then its over,» she quickly added, and then she packed up her things and silently left the territory they had inhabited together for several years.

Artyom stared at the door through which she had gone for a long time. And Angelica, leaving, felt with each floor that lowered her lower and lower to the exit, as Artem looks at the door that slammed behind her. She felt that this was the end, but she could not change anything. Because sometimes its easier to break up than to explain why.

2.

It was dark, fears peeked out of all the cracks.

 Angie, Angie, where are you? Angelica heard her mothers voice, but did not give voice.

She kept sitting in the dark basement because she liked it.

«Now, now, just a little more and Ill go,» she said to herself.» It seemed to her that a terrible insect or big hands were about to climb out of the wall and grab her.

 Angie, Angie, where are you? She heard her mothers voice again and ignored it again.

This lonely basement and this lonely Angie were as if made for each other. Nothing terrible happened. But just sitting in a place as scary and dark as she was was nice. If you turn on the light, there was nothing terrible in the basement at all: only books, old blankets, mostly junk. And soon she would have completely forgotten about this place, if one day the wall in the dark did not move and letters began to peek out from there, like the credits from a movie.

 Angie, come out already! Angelica heard her mothers voice again and, frightened by the wall, ran towards him.

***

Since then, Angelica began to see letters everywhere. By the age of eight, she was already able to read quite well and the inscriptions that appeared told her about upcoming events. At first, this scared her a little, so she decided to ask her older brother, who by that time was already fifteen years old, if he saw something like this. Her brothers name was Jan, and she asked him if it didnt happen that he saw some letters or pop-up inscriptions.

Ian just laughed in response.

«Im not crazy,» Jan told her, thinking that this was another joke of Angelicas.»

Angelica has always been, in the opinion of most, an inventor. She was always coming up with something, so Ian didnt even pay attention to it.

Of course, Angelica was a little scared, but over time she got used to it. Only she didnt know how to use it. And only once, when they were sitting at the dinner table with the whole family, the mother, clasping her hands, said: «Yes, how much can you lose this spoon!». And suddenly an inscription appeared in front of Angelica: «She is under the refrigerator,» Angelica read the words and turned her head to the refrigerator.»

The spoon was small and silver, it was kept together with other spoons, but it was more valuable. It was usually used by my father, because he loved silverware. But for some reason she was always lost, like a needle in a haystack.

 Maybe its full of refrigerator? Angelica said suddenly.

«Whats she going to do there?» the mother replied.

Angelica looked down into the soup. The soup was with chicken and vermicelli. Angelica never liked to eat, she just looked at the soup with an anxious expectation that it would end soon, and stirred it with a spoon. Angelica had a tradition: in order not to be forced to eat, she mentally counted to a hundred, and then she was released from the table, as if she had eaten. This time she managed to count to thirty-six, because her mother exclaimed: