Various - English Jests and Anecdotes стр 9.

Fischer, a first rate oboe player, at Dublin, was a man of great professional pride, and had also much of the ex-professional gentleman in his composition. A nobleman once asked him to sup after the conclusion of the opera; and, although very averse to going, he at last consented, on being assured by his patron that it was only for his society and conversation, and not for his musical proficiency, that he was invited. He had not, however, been many minutes in his hosts company, when the latter approached him, and said: I hope, Mr. Fischer, you have brought your oboe in your pocket. No, my lord, said Fischer, my oboe never sups. So saying, he turned on his heel, and instantly left the house; nor could any persuasion ever induce him to return to it.

NEGRO WIT

A gentleman driving on the road between Little River and Brighton, was overtaken by a negro boy on a mule, who attempted for a long while, without success, to make the animal pass the carriage. At length the boy exclaimed to his beast, Ill bet you one fippeny I make you to pass this time; and, after a short pause, again said, you bet? very well. The boy repeated the blows with renewed vigour, and at last succeeded in making him pass; when the gentleman, who overheard the conversation between Quashee and his steed, said to him, Well, my boy, now you have won, how are you going to make the mule pay you? Oh, sir, says the negro, me make him pay me very well; massa give me one tenpenny for buy him grass, and me only buy him a fippeny worth!

A TRUE KING

When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend his assistance to America, Pray, doctor, says the veteran, what is the object you mean to attain? Liberty, sire, replied the philosopher of Philadelphia; liberty! that freedom which is the birthright of man. The king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer: I was born a prince; I am become a king; and I will not use the power which I possess to the ruin of my own trade.

SHERIDAN AND MONK LEWIS

Sheridan never gave Lewis any of the profits of the Castle Spectre. One day, Lewis, being in company with him, said, Sheridan, I will make you a large bet. Sheridan, who was always ready to make a wager (however he might find it inconvenient to pay it if lost), asked eagerly, What bet? All the profits of my Castle Spectre, replied Lewis. I will tell you what, said Sheridan (who never found his match at repartee), I will make you a very small one what it is worth.

DR. KITCHINER

Some people have an objection to thirteen at dinner. Dr. Kitchiner, the culinary, happened to be one of a company of that number at Dr. Hendersons, and, on its being remarked, and pronounced unlucky, he said, I admit that it is unlucky in one case. What case is that? When there is only dinner for twelve.

NAME RECOLLECTED

At a dinner party, one day, somebody talked of a rich rector in Worcestershire, whose name he could not recollect, but who had not preached for the last twelve months, as he every Sunday requested one of the neighbouring clergy to officiate for him. Oh! replied a gentleman present, though you cannot recollect his name, I can it is England England expects every man to do his duty.

BON-MOT OF SIR WILLIAM CURTIS

A coach proprietor complained to Sir William Curtis that he suspected his guard of robbing him, and asked what he should do? Prenez-garde, said Sir William.

BON-MOT ON A TEA-URN

Lady S r was complaining one morning at breakfast that the tea was very bad, and said she was quite sure the water didnt boil; Nay, said she, the urn didnt even hiss when it was brought in. No, said Sir W. E., it was tacit-urn.

WHERE HURT

A gentleman who was relating an accident he had met with from a fall, was asked by a surgeon, if it was near the vertebræ that he had been hurt? No, sir, was the reply, it was near the Observatory.

PRECEDENCY IN SHAVING

A barber having come up to poll at a Berwick election, one of the candidates, with evident marks of disappointment, asked, What! did you not shave me this morning? Yes, answered the barber, but I have shaved Mr.  (meaning the opposing candidate) since.

CONSUMPTIVE APPETITE

Doctor Thomson was called in to attend a gentleman, who persuaded himself that he was, to use a popular expression, dying by inches. The doctor caught the invalid at dinner, and having seen him demolish some soup, a slice of salmon, two cuts of chine of mutton, and half a partridge, inquired what other symptoms of disease he felt. None particularly, sir, said the invalid, only every thing about me tends to convince me that I am consumptive. Your appetite is, at all events, sir, said the doctor, and walked off.

FIREWORKS

The fireworks for the peace of Ryswick were made by a colonel in the army, and were much admired. This gentleman one day commending Purcels epitaph, He is gone to that place, where only his harmony can be exceeded. Why, said a lady present, that epitaph will serve for you, with a very small alteration: there is nothing to do, but to change the word harmony for fireworks.

CURIOUS FACT

In the great catalogue of the British Museum Library many of the books are classed according to the subjects of which they treat. Against the head Rebellion there appears this notice (only) Vide Hibernia.

A SUDDEN RECOLLECTION

An Indian of the Abipones, an equestrian people of South America, was about to be baptized. You will certainly go to heaven after this ceremony, when you die, said the Jesuit who was to christen him. The Indian was content. Just as the water was on the point of being thrown, however, a doubt arose in the mind of the savage. By this water I shall go to heaven? said he. As sure as there are mosquitoes in America, answered the father. But my friends, who will not be baptised. They must go to hell: assuredly, they shall not miss; not a man of them. Then excuse me, said the savage; I am sorry to have given you this trouble; but I shall choose to go too.

ADVANTAGE OF BUTTONS ON LUTESTRING

Sir Baptist Hickes was telling how his gold buttons were cut off in a crowd, and he never the wiser, though the poorer. Sir Edmund Bacon asked him, if they were not strung upon lutestring? No, answered he. Oh, fie,! said Sir Edmund, that was the cause it was not discovered; for if they had been strung upon lutestring, as soon as it was cut it would have cried twang.

WILLIAM III. AND SERGEANT MAYNARD

When the public bodies at London paid their court to the Prince of Orange on his arrival in the ever-memorable 1688, Sergeant Maynard, a man near ninety years of age, headed the deputation of lawyers. William, remarking his great age, expressed a supposition that he must have outlived all the men of law of his time. Why, said Maynard, with wit admirably suited to the crisis, I was like to have outlived the law itself, if your Royal Highness had not come over.2

TWO REASONS AGAINST THE PRETENDER

A staunch Whig of the old school, disputing with a Jacobite, said he had two reasons for being against the interest of the Pretender. What are those? inquired the Tory. The first is, that he is an impostor, and not really King Jamess son. Why, that, said the Jacobite, is a good reason, if it could be proved; but, pray, what is the other? That he is King Jamess son.