You scarcely know the drawing-room, Phil, he said at last.
Very little. I have never seen it used. I have a little awe of it, to tell the truth.
That should not be. There is no reason for that. But a man by himself, as I have been for the greater part of my life, has no occasion for a drawing-room. I always, as a matter of preference, sat among my books; however, I ought to have thought of the impression on you.
Oh, it is not important, I said; the awe was childish. I have not thought of it since I came home.
It never was anything very splendid at the best, said he. He lifted the lamp from the table with a sort of abstraction, not remarking even my offer to take it from him, and led the way. He was on the verge of seventy, and looked his age; but it was a vigorous age, with no symptoms of giving way. The circle of light from the lamp lit up his white hair, and keen blue eyes, and clear complexion; his forehead was like old ivory, his cheek warmly colored: an old man, yet a man in full strength. He was taller than I was, and still almost as strong. As he stood for a moment with the lamp in his hand, he looked like a tower in his great height and bulk. I reflected as I looked at him that I knew him intimately, more intimately than any other creature in the world, I was familiar with every detail of his outward life; could it be that in reality I did not know him at all?
The drawing-room was already lighted with a flickering array of candles upon the mantelpiece and along the walls, producing the pretty starry effect which candles give without very much light. As I had not the smallest idea what I was about to see, for Morphew's speaking likeness was very hurriedly said, and only half comprehensible in the bewilderment of my faculties, my first glance was at this very unusual illumination, for which I could assign no reason. The next showed me a large full-length portrait, still in the box in which apparently it had travelled, placed upright, supported against a table in the centre of the room. My father walked straight up to it, motioned to me to place a smaller table close to the picture on the left side, and put his lamp upon that. Then he waved his hand towards it, and stood aside that I might see.
It was a full-length portrait of a very young woman I might say, a girl, scarcely twenty in a white dress, made in a very simple old fashion, though I was too little accustomed to female costume to be able to fix the date. It might have been a hundred years old, or twenty, for aught I knew. The face had an expression of youth, candor, and simplicity more than any face I had ever seen or so, at least, in my surprise, I thought. The eyes were a little wistful, with something which was almost anxiety which at least was not content in them; a faint, almost imperceptible, curve in the lids. The complexion was of a dazzling fairness, the hair light, but the eyes dark, which gave individuality to the face. It would have been as lovely had the eyes been blue probably more so but their darkness gave a touch of character, a slight discord, which made the harmony finer. It was not, perhaps, beautiful in the highest sense of the word. The girl must have been too young, too slight, too little developed for actual beauty; but a face which so invited love and confidence I never saw. One smiled at it with instinctive affection. What a sweet face! I said. What a lovely girl! Who is she? Is this one of the relations you were speaking of on the other side?
My father made me no reply. He stood aside, looking at it as if he knew it too well to require to look, as if the picture was already in his eyes. Yes, he said, after an interval, with a long-drawn breath, she was a lovely girl, as you say.
Was? then she is dead. What a pity! I said; what a pity! so young and so sweet!
We stood gazing at her thus, in her beautiful stillness and calm two men, the younger of us full grown and conscious of many experiences, the other an old man before this impersonation of tender youth. At length he said, with a slight tremulousness in his voice, Does nothing suggest to you who she is, Phil?
I turned round to look at him with profound astonishment, but he turned away from my look. A sort of quiver passed over his face. That is your mother, he said, and walked suddenly away, leaving me there.
My mother!
I stood for a moment in a kind of consternation before the white-robed innocent creature, to me no more than a child; then a sudden laugh broke from me, without any will of mine: something ludicrous, as well as something awful, was in it. When the laugh was over, I found myself with tears in my eyes, gazing, holding my breath. The soft features seemed to melt, the lips to move, the anxiety in the eyes to become a personal inquiry. Ah, no! nothing of the kind; only because of the water in mine. My mother! oh, fair and gentle creature, scarcely woman how could any man's voice call her by that name! I had little idea enough of what it meant, had heard it laughed at, scoffed at, reverenced, but never had learned to place it even among the ideal powers of life. Yet, if it meant anything at all, what it meant was worth thinking of. What did she ask, looking at me with those eyes? what would she have said if those lips had language? If I had known her only as Cowper did with a child's recollection there might have been some thread, some faint but comprehensible link, between us; but now all that I felt was the curious incongruity. Poor child! I said to myself; so sweet a creature: poor little tender soul! as if she had been a little sister, a child of mine but my mother! I cannot tell how long I stood looking at her, studying the candid, sweet face, which surely had germs in it of everything that was good and beautiful; and sorry, with a profound regret, that she had died and never carried these promises to fulfilment. Poor girl! poor people who had loved her! These were my thoughts: with a curious vertigo and giddiness of my whole being in the sense of a mysterious relationship, which it was beyond my power to understand.
Presently my father came back: possibly because I had been a long time unconscious of the passage of the minutes, or perhaps because he was himself restless in the strange disturbance of his habitual calm. He came in and put his arm within mine, leaning his weight partially upon me, with an affectionate suggestion which went deeper than words. I pressed his arm to my side: it was more between us two grave Englishmen than any embracing.
I cannot understand it, I said.
No. I don't wonder at that; but if it is strange to you, Phil, think how much more strange to me! That is the partner of my life. I have never had another or thought of another. That girl! If we are to meet again, as I have always hoped we should meet again, what am I to say to her I, an old man? Yes; I know what you mean. I am not an old man for my years; but my years are threescore and ten, and the play is nearly played out. How am I to meet that young creature? We used to say to each other that it was forever, that we never could be but one, that it was for life and death. But what what am I to say to her, Phil, when I meet her again, that that angel? No, it is not her being an angel that troubles me; but she is so young! She is like my my granddaughter, he cried, with a burst of what was half sobs, half laughter; and she is my wife and I am an old man an old man! And so much has happened that she could not understand.
I was too much startled by this strange complaint to know what to say. It was not my own trouble, and I answered it in the conventional way.
They are not as we are, sir, I said; they look upon us with larger, other eyes than ours.