Kirton Lindsey.
ANNIE RTHE COSMOPOLITE
THE TIMES NEWSPAPER
We are not about to write an advertisement for this advertised of all advertisersnor to talk of its square feetits crowded broadsideor the myriads of letters that make it resemble a sea of animalculae. We are content to leave all the pride of its machinery to Messrs. Applegath and Cowper, and the clang of its engine to the peaceful purlieus of Printing-house Square. Yet these are interesting items in the advancement of science, and in the history of mankind; for whether taken mechanically or morally, the Times is, without exception, the newspaper of all newspapers, "the observed of all observers" and altogether, the most extraordinary production of this or any other age.
But we are more anxious to reach what may be called the philosophy of a newspaperthat broad volume of human life, in which "the follies, vices, and consequent miseries of multitudes are displayed." To prove this, only let the reader glance over the twenty-four columns of a Times newspaper, and attempt a calculation of the many thousand events that spring from and are connected with their contents. Yet this sheet is but as it were a day in the life of mana mere thread of the mingled yarn of his existenceand 313 such sheets, or 1,252 such folios make but a year of his history. The subject is too vast and comprehensive for continued contemplation, for it is like all other wheels of vicissitude; we become giddy by looking too steadfastly on its twinings.
Let us take one side of any recent Times newspapersay that of Thursday lastand attempt something like an abstract of its memorabilia. This may appear for us a toilsome task, but if the reader be not fatigued also, our time will not be misspent. Begin "at the beginning" with the old English title, broken by the royal armslike a blocking-course; and the No. and date in a sort of typographical entablature. The first side is filled by 188 advertisements, for the most part, classed according to their objects.
Thus, we start, and not unappropriately, with notices of vessels to sail for India and the new settlement on Swan River. What temptations for adventure and avaricewhat associations of industry and indolenceluxury and squalid miserydo these announcements create in the reflective mind. The nabob in his chintzthe speculator with his last hundredand the half-starved agriculturistare but sorry portraits beside the class to whom the next notice is addressed.Packets to Calais, Dieppe, and Margatenecessity on her last leg, and luxury on the fantastic toethe wasted mind and famished visage beside hoyden mirth and bloated luxury. Then the South American Mining Association Deed "lies for signature:"what a relief in this sheet of chiaro-scuroa kind of tinsel to set off its grave parts, with gold dust enough to blind half its readers. To this little flash of golden light succeeds shadeChancery and creditors' noticesproving debts and consciencesfollowed by civil contracts for Bridewell and building a Lunatic Asylum in Kent. The association is too obvious, and verily, the maker-up of the Times newspaper is a Hogarth in his way; for what Hogarth did with pencil and brush, he does with metallic types. Next is a Saw Mill to be sold cheap, constructed for the express purpose of being sent to the Swan River settlementhow fortunatefor surely any idle wight would make his way with such assistance, especially as the machine is "on improved principles." Luxury againpaper-hangings, French lamps, and French rosesnecessity againMoney on mortgage, and bills discounted: how obvious the connexionthe very cause and effectthe lamps will not burn without oil, and the roses will not bloom without moneyat least they will only waste their fragrance in the desert air of the nursery-ground.
The second column begins with a solicitor's inquiry for a person long unheard of, who, if alive, "may hear of somewhat very considerably to his advantage"any person proving his death, shall be rewarded. Next is a notice from the City Chamber Court of Stralsund, of a man who has been missing twenty years, and unless he informs the court of his existence on or before Lady-day, 1830, he will be declared deadpoor fellowyet how many would rejoice at such an opportunity of escaping from their worldly cares. Next comes a little string of Anniversaries of Charitiesfollowed by Exhibitions of the Fine Artshad their position been reversed, the effect would have been better; for fine painting prepares the heart for acts of benevolence, and kindleth all its best feelings. Portraits of the Rev. Matthew Wilks and Pope Pius VII. (the latter a splendid mezzotinto from Sir T. Lawrence's picture) are followed by a "Speaking French Grammar," a very good companion for any Englishman about to visit the continent; for with many, their stock of French does not last out their cash. Next is fourteen years of the Morning Post to be solda bargain for a fashionable novelist, and in fact, a complete stock-in-trade for any court or town Adonis; a perfect vocabulary of fashion, detailing the rise and progress of all the fashionable arts since the peacethe gazette appointments and disappointmentsand elopements and faux pas, sufficient for all the comedy-writers of the present centurythe respective claims of Spanish Refugees and Spitalfields Weaverscharitable concerts and opera benefitsand all the lumber and light artillery of the grand monde.
The third column is almost entirely occupied by "Wanted" advertisements and we had resolved to pass over all their "Wants;" had not some of them occurred to us as rather singular, even in these times of general distress. The first of these is for a respectable middle-aged woman, as lady's maid"to understand dress-making, millinery, hair-dressing, getting-up fine linen, and to be useful and obliging." All this is reasonable enough; but mark the inducement: "a clever person fond of the country, and who can bear confinement, will find this a comfortable situation!" "This is too much." Another is for a butler and a valet, to "undertake the care and responsibility of a numerous family:" another is a young man for "a situation in any shop or warehouse, not particular what:" another of "a nurse, who can cut and make children's dresses, and instruct them in reading and spelling;" a school-assistant "to fill the second desk," &c. Next come a few characteristics of a scientific ageas patent trouser-straps, to "prevent the dirt getting between the strap and the boot, &c.;" and patent springs for waistcoat backsto cause the clothes to fit well to the shape, &c.and, above all, a legitimate, scientific Diaphane parasol.
The "Wants" are resumed in the fourth column. One is a young man to be able to walk well; "it is immaterial what he has been accustomed to."
In the fourth column we find "a family grave to be sold, unused for nearly 50 years at that period, but partly occupied. To save trouble, price 25l." Another advertisement"to small capitalists" is a perfect puzzle; for the advertiser will not describe the "ready-money concern" to be disposed of, but says, "the principal article of sale is what is consumed, either in a greater or less degree, by almost every individual." Next is a tallowchandler's business in a situation which "will command an extensive trade immediately the new Fleet Market is erected"rather anticipatory, to be sure. Another, "worthy of notice," offers for 260 guineas, seven houses, which cost 800 in buildinga tolerable speculation.