And, in the rear of the hall, a mild-looking man in spectacles, in obedience to the summons, timidly arose. He was the husband of the eloquent speaker. It was the first time he had ever had a chance to assert himself.
He Saw Them, All Right
Two officers were sent to arrest a Quaker; his wife met them at the door and said, "Walk in, gentlemen; my husband will see thee."
After waiting some time they got impatient and called the woman, saying, "You said we should see your husband presently."
"No, friend," she replied; "I said he would see theehe did see thee, did not like thy looks, and went out by the back door."
An Easy Way to Stop It
William Penn was once urging a man he knew to stop drinking to excess, when the man suddenly asked:
"Can you tell me of an easy way to do it?"
"Yes," Penn replied readily, "it is just as easy as to open thy hand, friend."
"Convince me of that," the man exclaimed, "and I will promise upon my honor to do as you tell me."
"Well, my friend," Penn answered, "whenever thee finds a glass of liquor in thy hand, open that hand before the glass touches thy lips, and thee will never drink to excess again."
The man was so struck by the simplicity of the great Quaker's advice that he followed it and reformed.
What Brought Them?
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys of her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by six o'clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting for her to arrive.
Give and Take
An English statesman on one occasion, when engaged in canvassing, visited a working-man's house, in the principal room of which a pictorial representation of the Pope faced an illustration of King William, of pious and immortal memory, in the act of crossing the Boyne.
The worthy man stared in amazement, and seeing his surprise the voter's wife exclaimed;
"Shure, my husband's an Orangeman and I'm a Catholic."
"How do you get on together?" asked the astonished politician.
"Very well, indade, barring the twelfth of July, when my husband goes out with the Orange procession and comes home feelin' extry pathriotic."
"What then?"
"Well, he always takes the Pope down and jumps on him and then goes straight to bed. The next morning I get up early, before he is awake, and take down King William and pawn him and buy a new Pope with the money. Then I give the old man the ticket to get King William out."
Too Much of a Good Thing
"I've got the very thing you want," said the stableman to a ruralist in search of a horse; "a thorough-going road horse. Five years old, sound as a quail, $175 cash down, and he goes ten miles without stopping."
The purchaser threw his hands skyward.
"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I wouldn't gif you five cents for him. I live eight miles out in de country, und I'd haf to walk back two miles."
Had Missed It
"What are you crying for, my poor little boy?" said a man to a crying boy.
"Pa fell downstairs."
"Don't take on so, my boy. He'll get better soon."
"That isn't it. Sister saw him fallall the way. I never saw nuffen."
Denied the Only Shade
It was a broiling hot day in the park, and those walking therein were well-nigh exhausted, when a very stout old lady came bustling along one of the paths, closely followed by a rough-looking tramp.
Twice she commanded him to leave her, but Still he followed just behind.
At last the old lady, quite disgusted, turned angrily around and said:
"Look here, my man, if you don't go away I shall call a policeman."
The poor fellow looked up at her with a tear in his eye, and then remarked:
"For goodness' sake, mum, have mercy and don't call a policeman, for ye're the on'y shady spot in the park."
Wanted to Make Her Happy
In one of the many hospitals in the South a bright, busy-looking and duty-loving woman hustled up to one of the wounded soldiers who lay gazing at the ceiling above his cot. "Can't I do something for you, my poor fellow?" said the woman imploringly. The "poor fellow" looked up languidly. The only things he really wanted just at that time were his discharge and a box of cigars. When he saw the strained and anxious look on the good woman's face, however, he felt sorry for her, and with perfect sang froid he replied: "Why, yes; you can wash my face if you want to."
"I'd be only too glad to," gasped the visitor eagerly.
"All right," said the cavalier gallantly, "go ahead. It's been washed twenty-one times already to-day, but I don't mind going through it again if it'll make you any happier."
Easy Enough
A noted mathematician, considered by many a wonder, stopped at a hotel in a small town in Missouri. As usual, in such places, there were a number of drummers on hand; there was also a meeting of some medical men at the place, who used the hotel as headquarters. One of the doctors thought it would be quite a joke to tell the mathematician that some of the M.D.'s had concluded to kidnap him and take out his brains to learn how it was he was so good in mathematics. He was then asked by them what he was going to do about it. He replied: "Why, I shall simply go on without brains just as you doctors are doing."
Not a Complaint at All
The good priest had come to his parishioner after the funeral of the latter's mother-in-law to express condolences.
"And what complaint was it, Pat," he asked sympathetically, "that carried the old lady off?"
"Kumplaint, did yi ask, father?" answered Pat. "Thir wuz no kumplaint from anybody. Everybody wuz satisfied."
He Caught It, But
The ferry-dock was crowded with weary homegoers when through the crowd rushed a manhot, excited, laden to the chin with bundles of every shape and size. He sprinted down the pier, his eyes fixed on a ferryboat only two or three feet out from the pier. He paused but an instant on the string-piece, and then, cheered on by the amused crowd, he made a flying leap across the intervening stretch of water and landed safely on the deck. A fat man happened to be standing on the exact spot on which he struck, and they both went down with a resounding crash. When the arriving man had somewhat recovered his breath he apologized to the fat man. "I hope I didn't hurt you," he said. "I am sorry. But, anyway, I caught the boat!"
"But, you idiot," said the fat man, "the boat was coming in!"
He Didn't Mind
A certain railway in Michigan has a station entitled Sawyer's Mills, but usually entitled, for short, Sawyer's.
A rural couple on one of the trains attracted much attention by their evident fondness for each other until the brakeman thrust his head in the doorway of the car and called out, "Sawyer! Sawyer!"
"Reuben" suddenly assumed the perpendicular and indignantly exclaimed,
"Well, I don't care if you did; we've been engaged three weeks."
He Announced His Intentions
Young man and his lady-love attended a protracted meeting which was being held in the village church. Arriving late they found the church filled, but a gentleman arose and gave the lady his seat, while the young man was ushered far away to a seat in another part of the building.
The service grew warm and impressive.
"Will those who want our prayers please stand up?" said the preacher.
At this juncture the young man thought it was getting late and he would get his sweetheart and go home, but not just knowing where she sat he rose to his feet and looked over the audience.