The Bab Ballads - William Schwenck Gilbert

Of all the ships upon the blue,
No ship contained a better crew
Than that of worthy CAPTAIN REECE,
Commanding of The Mantelpiece.

He was adored by all his men,
For worthy CAPTAIN REECE, R.N.,
Did all that lay within him to
Promote the comfort of his crew.

If ever they were dull or sad,
Their captain danced to them like mad,
Or told, to make the time pass by,
Droll legends of his infancy.

A feather bed had every man,
Warm slippers and hot-water can,
Brown windsor from the captains store,
A valet, too, to every four.

Did they with thirst in summer burn,
Lo, seltzogenes at every turn,
And on all very sultry days
Cream ices handed round on trays.

Then currant wine and ginger pops
Stood handily on all the tops;
And also, with amusement rife,
A Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life.

New volumes came across the sea
From MISTER MUDIES libraree;
The Times and Saturday Review
Beguiled the leisure of the crew.

Kind-hearted CAPTAIN REECE, R.N.,
Was quite devoted to his men;
In point of fact, good CAPTAIN REECE
Beatified The Mantelpiece.

One summer eve, at half-past ten,
He said (addressing all his men):
Come, tell me, please, what I can do
To please and gratify my crew.

By any reasonable plan
Ill make you happy if I can;
My own convenience count as nil:
It is my duty, and I will.

Then up and answered WILLIAM LEE
(The kindly captains coxswain he,
A nervous, shy, low-spoken man),
He cleared his throat and thus began:

You have a daughter, CAPTAIN REECE,
Ten female cousins and a niece,
A Ma, if what Im told is true,
Six sisters, and an aunt or two.

Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me,
More friendly-like we all should be,
If you united of em to
Unmarried members of the crew.

If youd ameliorate our life,
Let each select from them a wife;
And as for nervous me, old pal,
Give me your own enchanting gal!

Good CAPTAIN REECE, that worthy man,
Debated on his coxswains plan:
I quite agree, he said, O BILL;
It is my duty, and I will.

My daughter, that enchanting gurl,
Has just been promised to an Earl,
And all my other familee
To peers of various degree.

But what are dukes and viscounts to
The happiness of all my crew?
The word I gave you Ill fulfil;
It is my duty, and I will.

As you desire it shall befall,
Ill settle thousands on you all,
And I shall be, despite my hoard,
The only bachelor on board.

The boatswain of The Mantelpiece,
He blushed and spoke to CAPTAIN REECE:
I beg your honours leave, he said;
If you would wish to go and wed,

I have a widowed mother who
Would be the very thing for you
She long has loved you from afar:
She washes for you, CAPTAIN R.

The Captain saw the dame that day
Addressed her in his playful way
And did it want a wedding ring?
It was a tempting ickle sing!

Well, well, the chaplain I will seek,
Well all be married this day week
At yonder church upon the hill;
It is my duty, and I will!

The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece,
And widowed Ma of CAPTAIN REECE,
Attended there as they were bid;
It was their duty, and they did.

List while the poet trolls
Of MR. CLAYTON HOOPER,
Who had a cure of souls
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper.

He lived on curds and whey,
And daily sang their praises,
And then hed go and play
With buttercups and daisies.

Wild croquêt HOOPER banned,
And all the sports of Mammon,
He warred with cribbage, and
He exorcised backgammon.

His helmet was a glance
That spoke of holy gladness;
A saintly smile his lance;
His shield a tear of sadness.

His Vicar smiled to see
This armour on him buckled:
With pardonable glee
He blessed himself and chuckled.

In mildness to abound
My curates sole design is;
In all the country round
Theres none so mild as mine is!

And HOOPER, disinclined
His trumpet to be blowing,
Yet didnt think youd find
A milder curate going.

A friend arrived one day
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper,
And in this shameful way
He spoke to Mr. HOOPER:

You think your famous name
For mildness cant be shaken,
That none can blot your fame
But, HOOPER, youre mistaken!

Your mind is not as blank
As that of HOPLEY PORTER,
Who holds a curates rank
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.

He plays the airy flute,
And looks depressed and blighted,
Doves round about him toot,
And lambkins dance delighted.

He labours more than you
At worsted work, and frames it;
In old maids albums, too,
Sticks seaweedyes, and names it!

The tempter said his say,
Which pierced him like a needle
He summoned straight away
His sexton and his beadle.

(These men were men who could
Hold liberal opinions:
On Sundays they were good
On week-days they were minions.)

To HOPLEY PORTER go,
Your fare I will afford you
 Deal him a deadly blow,
And blessings shall reward you.

But stayI do not like
Undue assassination,
And so before you strike,
Make this communication:

Ill give him this one chance
If hell more gaily bear him,
Play croquêt, smoke, and dance,
I willingly will spare him.

They went, those minions true,
To Assesmilk-cum-Worter,
And told their errand to
The REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER.

What? said that reverend gent,
Dance through my hours of leisure?
Smoke?bathe myself with scent?
Play croquêt?  Oh, with pleasure!

Wear all my hair in curl?
Stand at my door and winkso
At every passing girl?
My brothers, I should think so!

For years Ive longed for some
Excuse for this revulsion:
Now that excuse has come
I do it on compulsion!!!

He smoked and winked away
This REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER
The deuce there was to pay
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.

And HOOPER holds his ground,
In mildness daily growing
They think him, all around,
The mildest curate going.