Paste Jewels - John Bangs

John Kendrick Bangs

Paste Jewels

It may interest the readers of this collection of tales, if there should be any such, to know that the incidents upon which the stories are based are unfortunately wholly truthful.  They have one and all come under the authors observation during the past ten years, and with the exception of Mr. Bradleys Jewel, concerning whom it is expressly stated that she was employed through lack of other available material, not one of the servants herein made famous or infamous, as the case may be, was employed except upon presentation of references written by responsible persons that could properly have been given only to domestics of the most sterling character.  It is this last fact that points the moral of the tales here presented, if it does not adorn them.

Yonkers, N. Y., 1897

THE EMANCIPATION OF THADDEUS

They were very young, and possibly too amiable.  Thaddeus was but twenty-four and Bessie twenty-two when they twain, made one, walked down the middle aisle of St. Peters together.

Everybody remarked how amiable she looked even then; not that a bride on her way out of church should look unamiable, of course, but we all know how brides do look, as a rule, on such occasionslooks difficult of analysis, but strangely suggestive of determined timidity, if there can be such a quality expressed in the human face.  It is the natural expression of one who knows that she has taken the most important step of her life, and, on turning to face those who have been bidden to witness the ceremony, observes that the sacredness of the occasion is somewhat marred by the presence in church of the unbidden curiosity-seekers, who have come for much the same reason as that which prompts them to go to the theatreto enjoy the spectacle.  But Bessies face showed nothing but that intense amiability for which she had all her life long been noted; and as for Thaddeus, he never ceased to smile from the moment he turned and faced the congregation until the carriage door closed upon him and his bride, and then, of course, he had to, his lips being otherwise engaged.  Indeed, Thaddeuss amiability was his greatest vice.  He had never been known to be ill-natured in his life but once, and that was during the week that Bessie had kept him in suspense while she was making up her mind not to say No to an important proposition he had madea proposition, by-the-way, which resulted in this very ceremony, and was largely responsible for the trials and tribulations which followed.

Thaddeus was richthat is, he had an income and a vocation; a charming little home was awaiting their coming, off in a convenient suburb; and, best of all, Bessie was an accomplished house-keeper, having studied under the best mistresses of that art to be found in the country.  And even if she had not completely mastered the art of keeping house, Thaddeus was confident that all would go well with them, for their waitress was a jewel, inherited from Bessies mother, and the cook, though somewhat advanced in years, was beyond cavil, having been known to the family of Thaddeus for a longer period than Thaddeus himself had been.  The only uncertain quantity in the household was Norah, the up-stairs girl, who was not only new, but auburn-haired and of Celtic extraction.

Under such circumstances did the young couple start in life, and many there were who looked upon them with envy.  At first, of course, the household did not run as smoothly as it might have donemeals were late, and served with less ceremony than either liked; but, as Bessie said, as she and Thaddeus were finishing their breakfast one morning, What could you expect?

To which Thaddeus, with his customary smile, replied What, indeed!  We get along much better than I really thought we should with old Ellen.

Old Ellen was the cook, and she had been known to Thaddeus as Old Ellen even before his lips were able to utter the words.

Ellen has her ways, and Jane has hers, said Bessie.  After Jane has got accustomed to Ellens way of getting breakfast ready, she will know better how to go about her own work.  I think, perhaps, cooks manner is a little harsh.  She made Jane cry about the omelet this morning; but Jane is teary, anyhow.

It wouldnt do to have Ellen oily and Jane watery, Thaddeus answered.  Theyd mix worse than ever then.  Were in pretty good luck as it is.

I think so, too, Teddy, Bessie replied; but Jane is so foolish.  She might have known better than to send the square platter down to Ellen for an omelet, when the omelet was five times as long as it was broad.

You always had square omelets, though, at your housethat is, whenever I was there you had, said Thaddeus.  And I suppose Janes notion is that as things happened under your mothers régime, so they ought to happen here.

Possibly that was her notion, replied Bessie; but, then, in your family the omelets were oblong, and Ellen is too old to depart from her traditions.  Old people get set in their ways, and as long as results are satisfactory, we ought not to be captious about methods.

No, indeed, we shouldnt, smiled Thaddeus; but I dont want you to give in to Ellen to too great an extent, my dear.  This is your home, and not my mothers, and your ways must be the ways of the house.

Ellen is all right, returned Bessie, and I am so delighted to have her, because, you know, Teddy dear, she knows what you like even better, perhaps, than I donaturally so, having grown up in your family.

Reverse that, my dear.  Our family grew up on Ellen.  She set the culinary pace at home.  Mother always let her have her own way, and it may be she is a little spoiled.

Do you know, Teddy, I wonder that, having had Ellen for so many years, your mother was willing to give her up.

Oh, I can explain that, Thaddeus answered.  Im the youngest, you know; the rest of the family were old enough to be weaned.  Besides, father was getting old, and he had a notion that the comforts of a hotel were preferable to the discomforts of house-keeping.  Father likes to eat meals at all hours, and the annunciator system of hotel life, by which you can summon anything in an instant, from a shower-bath to a feast of terrapin, was rather pleasing to him.  He was always an admirer of the tales of the genii, and he regards the electric button in a well-appointed hotel as the nearest approach to the famous Aladdin lamp known to science.  You press the button, and your genii do the rest.

But a hotel isnt home, said Bessie.

A hotel isnt this home, answered Thaddeus.  Love in a cottage for me; but, Bessie, perhaps youperhaps it wouldnt be a bad idea for you to speak to Jane and Ellen this morning about their differences.  I am an hour late now.

Then Thaddeus kissed Bessie, and went down to business.

On Thaddeuss departure Bessies cheerfulness also deserted her, and for the first time in her life she felt that it would do her good if she could fly out at somebodysomebody, however, who was not endeared to the heart of Thaddeus, or too intimately related to her own family, which left no one but Norah upon whom to vent the displeasure that she felt.  Norah was, therefore, sought out, and requested rather peremptorily to say how long it had been since she had dusted the parlor; to which Norah was able truthfully to answer, This mornin, mim.  Whereupon Bessies desire to be disagreeable departed, and saying that Norah could now clean the second-story front-room windows, she withdrew to her own snug sewing-room until luncheon should be served.  She was just a trifle put out with Norah for being so efficient.  There is nothing so affronting to a young house-keeper as the discovery that the inherited family jewels, upon whom much reliance has been placed, are as paste alongside of the newly acquired bauble from whom little was expected.  It was almost unkind in Norah, Bessie thought, to be so impeccably conscientious when Jane and Ellen were developing eccentricities; but there was the consoling thought that when they had all been together a month or two longer, their eccentricities would so shape themselves that they would fit into one another, and ultimately bind the little domestic structure more firmly together.